Thinking About Things I Really Don't Want To But Probably Should

Recently I parted ways with a longtime client, one with a fairly high profile. The truth is, I fired him. For harassment.

Yeah. Gross.

How did I get here? How did this happen? I work for myself, choose my clients and provide my services based on carefully considered terms. How did the checks and balances that I thought I had put into place to protect me from this sort of thing, fail me?

I thought that I was using forward thinking when considering possible uncomfortable situations that a woman offering the services that I do might experience ‘in the field’. Heaven knows my experience as a costume designer exposed me to the sort of overtures that might be made. But here I am, in this situation, embarrassed and shaken trying to figure out how to never ever put myself in this situation again. And so my brain starts to spin….
If I had made mention of Harassment in my Terms of Engagement contract, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.
If I hadn’t been so hungry for the business, maybe I would have been in a better place to see clearly how I may have allowed this unwanted behavior to gain root.
If I hadn’t invested so much of myself in the project, maybe I might have been able to maintain a detached perspective.
If I hadn’t been so excited about the work I was creating on his behalf maybe I would have noticed sooner his manipulation and misrepresentation.
If I wasn’t already so busy with work from other clients then maybe I could have seen this coming.
If I were more professional maybe this situation would have been avoided.

While these may be worthy concepts to consider, it is foolish to think that anything that I did was to blame for his (choice of) inappropriate behavior or that I was deserving of what happened. Sometimes shit just happens and no amount of forward thinking could have avoided it.

While in my heart I know this, it doesn't change the ‘What the f*ck?” kind of repulsion I feel as I scramble to shore up the hit this fiasco has triggered to my revenue and my self esteem.

Then I pick up a book on my bookshelf called “The War of Art” by Steven Pressfield. I open it randomly to page 89 and here’s what it says:

“The professional endures adversity. He lets the birdshit splash down on his slicker, remembering that it comes clean with a heavy-duty hosing. He himself, his creative center, cannot be buried, even beneath a mountain of guano. His core is bulletproof. Nothing can touch it unless he lets it.”
It continues:
“The professional keeps his eye on the doughnut and not on the hole. He reminds himself it’s better to be in the arena, getting stomped by the bull, than be up in the stands or out in the parking lot.”

So I guess my focus needs to be on what to do now, after the fact, because this is NOT going to get the better of me. 

What can I do to make myself feel empowered? How can I move on and let it go?

And so this blog is born.

For information about Sexual Harassment click here.